Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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