I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize