suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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