It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
