I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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