i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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