I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
