Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
