Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
