my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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