so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
