And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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