On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
