There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
