It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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