I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Is it because I queefed?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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