dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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