Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
