Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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