That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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