God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
