my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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