we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
