I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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