Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just invented taco cereal.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
