Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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