ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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