What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
