i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
