shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
