I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Randomize
