I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
