dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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