hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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