Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
