A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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