Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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