We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
