I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize