Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We are two peas in an std pod
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
