Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
