I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
