Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
