I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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