Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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