Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
