I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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