if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize