I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
