If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i love accidental penises.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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