My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
