if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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