Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
