the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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