This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i think i have two assholes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
should my penis look like a turkey
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize