GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
